To feel Alive
by Risa manei
Summary: //origniall called Frozen Realizations but changed// How does one know that they are truley alive? Emotions? Feelings? Touches? What if they have all gone numb, what then? Frozen Fai thoughts...slight yoai slight Kurofai. R&R dears!


**Sorry, I've been busy. First Tobi (my laptop) fell off my bed and smashed and then I had writers block and then I had no Tsubasa or Kurofai inspiration...and then I hated my writing! But now...now I have a new laptop (named Fai because I'm just that obsessed xD) and I like my writing and have Kurofai inspiration!! So...Risa is back again with a brand new one shot. Hope you like it!! **

**Risa owns nothing but her dignity, which is constantly and continuously deteriorating!! Some spoilers about Fai's past, don't know about it yet and don't want to...don't read. Also includes a tad bit of Shonen ai, yaoi...**

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How does one know that they are truly alive? Emotions? Feelings? Touches? What if they have all gone numb, what then? Some people bleed to know they are one of the living. I can't do that, for if I even purposely cut a single wound in me Kurogane will find out and cut me even worse. It would pain him, I know, to know that I feel so worthless that I need the sight of my own blood to know that I haven't died.

Instead I sit here, no coat, wearing the thinnest cloths I could find. I sit in the snow, relishing in it's feeling on my cool skin. I grew up in a cold place, I could take it for a while. As I watch the stars and my foggy breath I think. I think about my life and those around me, then I think about life in general. Sometimes I think the gods are cruel, cruel for letting me live, Fay could have done better. I sighed gently as I bring my knees to my chest, resting my chin on my thinly clothed knees and beginningg to shiver. Life; a birth and a death with nothing but suffering in between. Gods; they were cruel.

Shivers shook through me until they turn into internal vibrations, never stopping, never ending. I sit even longer, letting the cold make me believe I'm alive. And then the numbing feeling comes. I could no longer feel the cold bite at my skin, nor the cold air that blew through my hair. If my teeth hadn't been chattering I would have laughed. What I was experiencing right now, this numbing, this was Life!

You walk into life like you walk into the snowfall with open arms, loving the feeling of it on your skin. And then it gets to you, makes you shiver and fear the thing you loved only moments ago. The fear tells you to go back to the warmth, but human nature doesn't let us move. Instead we stand there, shivering and wishing someone was there along with you. The numbing sets in, no longer can you feel the fear or the love. I desire the numbing, wanting it to come to me faster and let me forget everything, let me not feel anything. The numbing, the moments before you return to the warmth; death.

I sighed gently, my mind had fallen to the numbing. No longer could I comprehend what was around me, I couldn't feel anything. I smiled, my mask cracking in the frost. Will I die like this? Doing something that was supposed to tell me I was alive? I chuckled through the shivers.

My mind was else where as black spots appeared in my gaze. I don't notice the ninja, so true to his name, step behind me and look up at the stars. I don't notice as he watched me shiver without stopping. I couldn't feel the coat he put around my shoulders, my numb skin couldn't feel the fabric. I only really noticed, though it still didn't register, as he lifted me in his strong arms, took me away from the cold snow and back into the warmth of the house. I watch through the spots as he sets me down in the bathroom and runs a hot bath. My frozen lips can't form words as I try to say his name. I watch as he walks over to me again, rubbing my arms, trying to warm me up. I hear him sigh as he takes off my cold cloths and sets me in the warm water, the shivers still vibrating violently through me. The heat stung at first but I soon got used to it, my cold body welcoming it. I finally turn my head to look at him, finally seeing him, finally understanding. He holds me up, scared I may fall, and brushes a piece of hair from my eyes. I smile softly, watching his soft eyes worry over me, no words needed to be spoken. He smiles gently, a rare true smile, and stands, knowing I would be okay, and walks from the bathroom to give me privacy. I smile again, knowing he'll be beside the door, silently watching me to make sure I wont drown.

I sigh gently, feeling the warmth return. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe we don't have to suffer this cold life alone. Maybe the warmth the numbing brings is not death, maybe it's the entrance of the one you love, saving you from the freezing cold loneliness. I smiled, knowing how wrong I had once been.

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**Note;; (spoiler) I call Fai's twin brother Fay, since he stole his name, it makes things less confusing for me x33**

**Haha, I was walking my dog in the cold and it inspired me because right away I got soooo cold, and I imagined what Fai would do in the cold for some reason and this came out of it xDD**


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